XI Things We Learned From The World Cup Qualifying Playoffs

November 19th, 2009 | by: chris | Comments(11)

The games didn’t really have everything, did they? The results did – some upsets, some heroics, a few of the expected teams going in – but outside of the one game which forced a playoff (Egypt 2 – Algeria 0), some of these games were completely zapped of the necessary drama.

(Not, of course, that one played in the Stade de France.)

And sometimes, that’s how you know the World Cup is on the fore. Staunch defense, gritty performances and the triumph of will over superiority. The World Cup Qualifying has definitively been left in the dust, but we did learn a thing or two…

i. Guus is destructible.

You know, I had a discussion with someone recently on the world’s greatest coach and I reckoned Guus Hiddink was the greatest of them all. His ability to mold an inferior material into something else entirely is, or was, unmatched, really. Fergie, Carletto and Pep are nice, but they can run out one big euro signing after another. The perfect synonym for a great coach is an alchemist. For me, Guus is – or was – that. Russia’s wondrous display at Euro 2008 was only undone by a vastly superior team and they looked, after two more years of nurturing, a blossoming giant ready to set the world alight in South Africa 2010.

Now they’ll be watching at home with the rest of us. Partly because Russia looked anything but the fluid, dynamic team we saw in Swissaustria. Partly because of the notion that superiority will always win out. Because Slovenia wanted it more, that much was clear. Slovenia played their socks off and, through confusion or motivation, Russia didn’t. Either way, that’s down to the coach. A great coach, yes, but one whose aura has taken a hit from which it may never recover.

ii. Wednesday’s most serious offender was not Titi Henry, but adidas.

The only explanation is that Raymond ordered Les Bleus dominatrix editions for his kinky extracurriculars and adidas mistakenly swapped them with the real deal.

Poor choice on both occasions.

iii. Roman Pavlyuchenko will shut up now.

God, it seemed every quarter open a new quote would pop up from Spurs benchlover Pavlyuchenko needs to get out of London – and I know much of this is journalists posing a question, but still – and back to some playing time in order to cement his World Cup place.

Not really a problem now, is it?

iv. Raymond Domenech is @#$%ing indestructible.

If there is anything which can unite the entire footballing world, it’s one thing: Raymond Domenech is an absolutely abysmal football coach. He has no business doing your niece’s Sunday game, much less Les Bleus. If France goes out, there is little to no chance Raymond Domenech makes it to Thursday morning employed. And this despite whatever scandalous blackmail material he holds over the leaders of the FFF (French Football Federation).

But somehow, some goddamn way, the referee and the linesmen all missed Thierry Henry’s handball. And then they missed the second one. And France won drew; and France went through.

There is no explanation for this man’s employment. There is no explanation as to the ‘luck’ this man receives (if Abidal doesn’t earn a red and Ribery doesn’t get injured yet France still go out, does he still stay employed?). It’s all so infuriatingly inexplicable.

So inexplicable I may give this astrology he holds so dear a try.

v. And even if France perform poorly, the French will have two teams to root for.

I will not pretend to know anything about French-Algerian relations. What I do know is that of the 25 players called up to play in the one-off playoff with Egypt, 15 on the Algerian national football team were born in France. Yes, fifteen.

Will every last one of these players go to South Africa? Doubtful. But it’s equally as doubtful the squad won’t be riddled with French-born players. So the French can allez les bleus! And then, if that doesn’t work out, allez Algeria!

vi. Keylor Navas is coming to a European city near you.

His Wikipedia page may say that only the Spanish Segunda is calling, but they may want to close the deal quickly, as a few others will be checking in with his Costa Rican club. The 22yo Costa Rican keeper put on a performance that would’ve had Gigi Buffon blushing today. Uruguay tested him early and often from distance, and he made one sprawling save after another. The stats only say five, but it felt like fifty, and isn’t mental intimidation half the battle?

vii. Egypt are the pre-2008 Spain.

Egypt have not made it to a World Cup since 1990, making next summer the 20th anniversary of their last trip to the finals. In fact they’ve only made it twice in total, going way back to 1934 for their only other trip. Neither time did they make it past the first round.

And yet they’re the most successful team in the history of the African Cup of Nations. They’ve won it thrice since their last trek to the World Cup, and the last two back-to-back. They should be going to the World Cup, as they’re clearly one of Africa’s most superior teams, if not the most superior. In fact winning two AFCON titles in a row nearly mandates you as the best team on the continent.

How do you explain it? They’re not quite parallel with a pre-2008 Spain – they do have a trophy cabinet – but one must think that, relative to expectations, Egypt are now football’s biggest chokers. Other theories certainly welcome, but the mysteries surrounding it are befitting their ancestors.

viii. The Uruguayan national anthem needs to be cut down to a verse and a chorus. And no face paint.

Uruguay, making sure they got their full patriotism in for the day, put on a five minute – well, 4m56s – national anthem, full with a guy is creepily feline blue, white and gold face paint. It was so unnecessarily long the Costa Rican squad had to leave mid-song in order to warm up; the Uruguayan players even wondered just what the hell was going on by the forty-fifth verse.

ix. Eastern Europe still has a bit to go.

At the beginning of the day, one assured participant and three potential. At the end of the day, it was but that lone assured participant – and not even the team the world had been predicting.

Eastern Europe, particularly the leagues of Russia & Ukraine, are rising in the eyes of footballing legitimacy. They have money, homegrown talent and know to scout the Americas and Africa for talent that will choose a nice paycheck and playing time over a seat on a European bench. Unfortunately, for whatever reason, they could not capitalize on it. Not Bosnia-Herzegovina, not Russia, not Ukraine – not even perhaps the best of the bunch, Croatia.

A disappointing showing from what you’d expect to be a new footballing hotbed.

And yes, I still blame Kristen Pazik.

x. Don’t expect open floodgates in South Africa.

Scorelines from all 13 World Cup “playoff” games (including New Zealand – Bahrain, and remembering the first Egypt – Algeria fixture wasn’t technically a playoff):

0-0
2-1
0-1
1-0
0-0
1-0
0-1
1-1
1-0
0-1
1-0
1-0
1-1

And the only team which managed more than a solitary goal was knocked out.

Welcome to World Cup football: caution is the name of the game.

xi. Video replay is necessary.

The impossible has happened once again: a crucial game was decided by the wrong call which so easily could have been corrected.

Not really worth the debate anymore, is it?