Hail To Thee: Kevin Kuranyi & His Facial Hair Kicked Off German National Team

October 13th, 2008 | by: chris | View Comments

If only boot meant the same in German as it does in English. We could’ve opened up the week with Kevin Kuranyi’s face photoshopped onto a DVD cover of Das Boot, just reeking of cheese. On the list of shit to change when I’m king of everything. Back to matters.

Kevin Kuryani’s been a bad boy and an even worse teammate, thieving The Incredible Sulk pseudonym from Nicolas Anelka for the time being. During Germany’s 2-1 win over Russia Kevin decided he wasn’t enjoying the festivities enough to stick around for the whole thing. (Maybe he wanted to beat the traffic leaving the stadium, which is totally understandable. I mean, not everyone can helicopter to the games like Robinho or Big Boss or Michael Owen.)

Anywho, Kev was in the stands because Germany simply has better options. He’s not Lukas Podolski, who still cannot @#$5ing stop scoring for Germany. Certainly not Miroslav “Did I hear World Cup?” Klose, either. Nor is he Mario Gomez, who is, by all accounts, still being afforded the opportunity to pick up the shards from his Euros performance (I’m under the impression his inclusion is a personal request from one Angela Merkel, the reasons for which quite frankly disgust me). And Patrick Helmes is hotter than Hades right now, so he’s obviously gotta be on the bench should things get dicey. Leaving Kev out of uni and, as you might expect, pissed off because he could’ve played for at least 30 different national teams, but gave all of his love to Germany. Love which is now looking unrequited.

So Jogi & Friends tried to call, wondering of his whereabouts and seeing if he could pick up some ice cream for the post-game pajama party, but Kevin was unavailable via his mobile (probably out of coverage – as good as it gets, it’s never good enough) which annoyed them so much that Kevin is now banned from Die Mannschaft during The Jogi Loew Experience:

“I cannot accept the way Kevin reacted and in future will not nominate him for the national team,” the coach said in Dusseldorf.

Kuranyi is believed to have left the stadium during the game which Germany won 2-1 thanks to goals from Lukas Podolski and Michael Ballack.

“I can understand his disappointment, but the reaction on Saturday evening is not acceptable or understandable,” Loew said. “At the national team we have 20 top people, and we trainers keep on having to make difficult decisions.

“It surprised us all. Despite several attempts, neither (team manager) Oliver Bierhoff nor I could reach him on the phone.”

Or maybe Jogi finally had enough of Kevin’s horrible facial hair. Ulterior motives or not, we can only be thankful that awful, awful razor sharp fu manchu is out of international competition for the time being.

And Jogi must want to wash his hands of this whole matter right now. I understand little German, but I’m sensing a great deal of fear for that oversized creamiscle masquerading as a microphone in this clip.