The Maradona Files: Diego’s Royal Bidet

May 24th, 2010 | by: chris | View Comments

Whether or not Argentina wins this one too, this summer’s World Cup will be just like 1986: all Maradona. His manner of squad announcements – breakin’ legs and spittin’ insults – was only a teaser, and the new levels of absurdity will be trumped every few days. The latest on the list: a special bidet being installed for his royal asshole.

At least he’s had the good sense to finally wash out his mouth.

Not to mention the strides he’s making in creating jobs for South Africans with his request – or the Argentina FA’s request on his behalf – that the bathroom be more or less gutted so he can sit upon his royal throne.

The Argentine Football Association this week requested staff at the University of Pretoria’s High Performance Centre – the team’s base for the World Cup – to tear down the standard wash basins, toilet bowls and cisterns in the two bathrooms reserved for the football legend because they would not meet his “high standards”.

The centre hastily replaced these on Thursday with fancy Eurosmart taps, basin mixers, dark wood vanity cabinets, and new toilet bowls, including a special bidet with two settings for Maradona’s
bedroom.

For those of you who are brave enough to come toe-to-toe with a mental image of Diego on the pot, do read on:

The E-Bidet features a heated seat, a warm air blow-dryer and front and rear bidet wands.

Therefore he’ll have hot air blown up his ass even while taking care of business. You really couldn’t make this stuff if you wanted to.

That’s not all, however, for Diego’s crew or the rest of the divas at the World Cup.

Ten hot dishes a day as well as 14 different salads for every meal;
Three different pasta sauces with each meal and at least three puddings;
A braai once in three days; and
Ice cream to be available all day.

Judging by the look of a braai, it’s a wonder Diego didn’t request a firehose on standby – “break glass in case of emergency” and all that. And we can EXCLUSIVELY reveal Diego has hired the Ice Cream Kid as Argentina’s team dietitian.

In other Mariah Carey news:

- Brazil request the pool be set at a firm 32C, along with “hot hot coffee, hot hot coffee and hot hot coffee, a lot of cookies – and no chocolate”, leading to rumors Ronaldinho might actually be called up.
- Mexico have a priest on the payroll.
- Italy are flying in their own gym equipment and pasta, doing everything possible to dispel the stereotypes.
- New Zealand wants golf lessons for some of their players (there’s an early vacation joke in here somewhere).
- Slovakia needs an electronic dartboard and two table tennis tables.
- North Korea requires an entire hotel floor for reasons which are unknown.
- Ghana just wants to watch some African TV.

You know, they make it seem like everyone’s cutting vacations short for the World Cup, but it sounds suspiciously like everyone’s going on vacation.