Winners and Losers of the World Cup Week

In the pantheon of weeks leading up to the World Cup, this past one ranks somewhere between remarkable and uneventful. Even without any friendlies or actual games, we still managed to write a gazillion and a half words about a number of things. Some of them even had to do with football. We brought you stories about mascots and child prodigies. We revealed Mexico’s World Cup roster, while you revealed the sick psychological baggage you carry from your childhood. We showed Oliver Kahn being tortured and we wrote about the torture of scalded testicles (gasp!). All in all, just another week in the neighborhood. We hope you stop on in again next week and bring your friends with you. Here are some of this week’s winners and losers.

Winners

Fans: This summer we’ll get to see many teams that feature their all-time best player.

Psychologists: They’re learning a lot about World Cup Blog readers based on the visions you see in the official ball.

Turkey: Simply unstoppable in 2014.

Mascots: Goleo is a panty wearing freak that can’t hold World Cup Willy’s jockstrap, but we still love him.

Losers

People with testicles everywhere: Gasp!

Google: We’re smoking them with our predictions and they’re being blamed for aiding the evil doers.

Oliver Kahn: It is bad enough to be a lifetime captain of an All-Ugly team but to lose your starting position to Jens Lehmann is true psycho torture.

Procrastinators: Coach Ricardo La Volpe announced Mexico’s World Cup squad and made us all feel ashamed for being slackers. Cheer up. Your name could be Cuauhtemoc Blanco. We wonder if he has as much trouble spelling that name as we do.

Pepsi: The only thing worse than seeing a close up of Oliver Kahn is seeing a crap commercial that makes the world’s greatest players look like bunch of sitcom actors.

Journalism: World Cup Blog Bob made a big blunder and his bosses are making him scrub the office naked with just a toothbrush. Webcam shots to be available to the public next week. Blog readership expected to drop 7000% after people see his scrawny ass and scalded testicles (gasp!)