Watching the World Cup Could Kill You

The World Cup isn’t all fun and games. For some people it will be a matter of life and death, literally. Cardiac arrests, drunk-driving, fan violence, wife-beating, binge boozing, smoking, gorging on fatty snacks with no exercise… that’s a normal weekend for our buddy Bense in Dortmund and they are also activities that are expected to greatly increase during the World Cup.

The hospitals could see even more business than usual if there are a lot of penalty shootouts in Germany. According to a study in the British Medical Journal, the number of heart attacks in Britain rose by 25 per cent when England lost to Argentina in a penalty shootout in 1998. Call it a case of Beckhamitis.

While penalty shootouts are bad for the heart, victories might also do you in. A study in Wales showed the average number of injuries caused by violent assault increased when the home team won. Researchers blame it on increased alcohol consumption, which in turn leads to people acting like idiots. We can only imagine the level of violence if people are drinking Budweiser all tournament. We’re talking Poland hooligan apocalyptic violence!

With all of these health risks, who would possibly want to watch the World Cup?

We’re thinking about turning off the switches to World Cup Blog, packing our bags and camping out in the woods from June 9 – July 9. Bears, snakes, bird flu, Bigfoot, mosquitos and lightning don’t seem nearly as scary as the thought of keeling over while Akwa lines up to take the penalty shot that will give Angola the World Cup.

On second thought, if we are going to die it might as well be in front of the telly watching grown men kick a football. What a noble way to go.