The Yanks won’t go Marching On

Football fans in the United States are an interesting group of malcontents with a permanent chip on their shoulder. I should know. I am one of them and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

You would be too if you lived in a country where more people can tell you the voting requirement for American Idol than can explain what it means to be offside. But despite our permanent place on society’s fringes, we can also be an inexplicably optimistic bunch. Case in point: the expectations so many of us have for the US national team heading into this summer’s World Cup.

Close your eyes because I’m gonna mention Steve Sampson

For most of history, the US has been as successful at football as Poland has been at war. After a brief aberration when it hosted the World Cup in 1994 and the world was forced to listen to Alexi Lalas sing, America fell back to its normal place behind the rest of the world’s soccer powers. And Iran. The last place finish in 1998, ending that dark and painful era known simply as Steve Sampson, is something that even the most pessimistic of Americans (me) can gladly block out of our minds after the US team advanced to the quarterfinals in 2002. At last, we had become a football power - something our country normally reserves for economics, military and realty television.

Masochists Rejoice

Heading into this year’s draw in Germany, the US was ranked 8th in the world. A ranking that had been earned beating superpowers like Haiti, El Salvador and Canada. Well, this summer the US will know how those countries feel. As if drawing perennial power Italy (book it: loss) weren’t enough, the US will also face a talented Czech team (book it: loss) and an up and coming, athletic-as-heck Ghana side (book it: could go either way). As any fan of American Idol can tell you, getting a thumbs down from two of three judges will send you packing quicker than Tony Meola can eat a meat pie.

Our run is over before it even begins Fans of Sam. There seems something oddly familiar and comforting about writing that.