Red and Yellow Cards of the Week

It is the beginning of February and that means we are inching a bit closer to the World Cup. It can’t come soon enough. In the meantime, here are some red and yellow cards that need to be handed out this week.

Red card to the entire continent of Australia. Love your enthusiasm for the Socceroos, but has it really come to this? First we learn that John Travolta will be telling your players to put their trays in an upright position for landing and now we see that the country will be glued to a televised contest to decide the team’s fight song. Somewhere Men at Work must be happier than a room full of Germans listening to David Hasslehoff crone from his Best of Sinatra album.

Yellow card to Pele. We loved you in the film Victory, we spent an entire year in the African bush drinking your coffee and we of course dug you as a player. But as a prognosticator, we wish you would just take it easy. Brazil, Czech Republic, Totti . . . the only thing you haven’t predicted is when the Apocalypse will occur, which everyone in Brazil already knows is the day Argentina lifts the World Cup trophy.

Yellow card to those who are questioning the African teams after their performance at the CAN. Sure Togo, Angola and Ghana folded quicker than a cheap tent, but did you really expect them to go far in Germany? It is simply a great story for these countries to have qualified, so quit your whining about how the continent will suffer because Cameroon, Senegal and Nigeria are staying home. And by the way, Ivory Coast, and Tunisia are going to give some teams trouble this summer.

Red card to mindless boycotts. We’re all in favor of making a statement as long as the statement makes sense. Soccer, football, the Beautiful Game . . . who cares what it is called? Please take your keyboard and go home.

Red card to players who think they are above the law.

Yellow card to Japanese fans. Thanks for making the rest of us look like a bunch of slobs.