Hooliganwatch™: Stop Picking on our Thugs

Things have been quieter than normal here at Hooliganwatch™ headquarters. Mere hours ahead of the start of the World Cup and there is nary a sign of the apocalypse on the rough and tumble streets of Berlin. Outside of a mother spanking her child, we’ve seen little violence and not a single person carrying a chainsaw, howlitzer or atomic weapon. Perhaps the law enforcement efforts are working or maybe this is just the calm before the proverbial storm. Even without any large-scale riots or baseball bat beatdowns, hooligans remain in the news.

We start as always in the epicenter of the hooligan world, Poland. The country’s football association chief Michal Listkiewicz is upset that Germany has singled out his country’s thugs as the worst of the worst.

“I do not know why we are being singled out. Look at Holland or Italy — the problem is much worse,” he told Reuters in an interview. “The English also have a history of causing lots of trouble when they travel abroad. What goes on around Polish stadiums is not above the norm for European football.”

Obviously Mr. Listkiewicz does not read the Hooliganwatch™ reports, which might explain why the Germans are keeping an extra close eye on their neighbors to the east. It is also worth noting that Poland itself is concerned enough about its miscreants to send police to aid the German authorities.

One country that has been flying under the hooligan radars is Switzerland. Everyone knows that Swiss men are more into milking cows than causing bloodshed, but there are some in the country that have been banned from traveling to Germany. That’s a pity. It is always good to have neutral hooligans on hand for a rumble.

The hooligan ban is largely working in England where 3,000 losers have been told to hand over their passports during the World Cup. All but 200 have complied, meaning the violence and mayhem will stay in England. Good news for Germany. Bad news for this hooligan-scared church.

One British hooligan has gone on television to let the world know he is going to Germany. “I don’t want to fight someone on the street just ‘cos he’s got a certain shirt on. I want their top lad, their main hitter, their hardest boy. Toe to toe. I don’t want to be a better person. Since I was a youth I’ve just done what I’ve done,” explains Douglas Naylor.

Meanwhile, the Chinese government is giving some practical advice to its citizens who are in Germany on how to avoid hooligans. “Improve safety awareness… avoid ‘football hooligans’ and after games, please leave the venues as soon as possible,” the statement said. “Avoid lingering in places where football fans congregate — especially areas with bars. If (an incident) occurs, please follow police instructions and leave.”

Message to hooligans: please don’t harm the Chinese. Their pirates allow us to watch football games on the Internet. Thank you for your cooperation.

Our Hooliganwatch™ interns will continue to monitor the streets of Germany throughout the tournament for any signs of the beginning of the end. They’re getting college credit for their internships so we don’t feel too bad if they end up on the losing side of a chainsaw battle.