Flirting with the Locals: How to Pick Up a German Without Even Trying

After months of dancing around frivolous issues, the German magazine Der Spiegel has finally managed to publish something I want to read. In fact, it seems that this article was written for me personally. “Scoring a German: Flirting with Frauleins, Hunting for Herren” offers a guide for foreign travelers and World Cup fans (that’s me), in Germany (check), who want basic guidelines and tips on flirting with the locals (Yes, Please.).

It seems that attracting German women is a counter-intuitive endeavor. The article says that any advance or displayed interest is usually dismissed and anything beyond eye contact is seen as too forward.

The way to go about picking up kuken (literally: chicks), according to the magazine, is to make eye contact in a quick and fleeting glance to show interest but not to commit to anything (think: avoiding a salesman at a used-car lot). Ignoring here afterwards for as long as possible is also a must.

It may be that Der Spiegel is playing a joke on all the foreigners, tricking us into complacent disinterest so that we do not poach on their territory, but if this seduction strategy truly works, I am moving to Germany. I’m not a terribly accomplished flirt, but I am the Ronaldhino of discretely checking out girls from undetectable distances and angles.

Give me a tall mademoiselle wearing a pair of equalizers (the giant sunglasses that cover the entire face and make all women look attractive) walking the other direction on a park path and—without turning my head or breaking my gate— I can tell you anything you want to know about her outward appearance.

Put a woman on the bus in front of me, and using nothing but her reflection in the grimy, scratched window, at which I only glance, I can accurately ascribe a spot for here on the one through ten continuum.

I know that there are plenty of men out there with this kind of peripheral vision, but I can do this consistently, and I mean every time. In a bar, a club, it doesn’t matter. Even when there is a pack of good looking chicas bearing down on me, there is no danger of my missing something, or failing to give each one a thoroughly flirtatious and, in Germany, irresistable eyebrow raise.

But the foolproof advice doesn’t end there. Next the magazine recommends engaging in a boring conversation. Seriously. The successful German flirt, Der Spiegel says, will enter a conversation intent on “boring their pants off” (Ugh, but the article takes it from a British book) with a serious discussion.

This turn of phrase deserves a groaner foul for sure, but let’s look at what this really means. They’re telling us that in order to pick up women, we’re supposed to simply glance with a semi-disinterested look that in no way communicates affection and then be boring until she’s into us. The male gender won’t be receiving better news until the invention of the beer sandwich.

The article further stacks the deck in the foreigner’s favor, suggesting that an expat or a visitor has the advantage of being new and interesting. With the knowledge that I’m supposed to be complacent, boring and foreign, I’m going to need the magazine’s follow up article, “Fighting Them Off: How to say ‘Nein’ like you mean it.”

But it seems that the article may give us foreigners false hope. Although our responsibilities in the process may look like France’s offensive production, it seems German women are quite particular in their foreign trysts, (they can afford to be, as many are drop dead gorgeous) and you can be as boring and unimpressed as you want and there is no guarantee of female attention.

So World Cup Blog went on location, did some actual reporting and discovered a pick up line that no German woman can resist. It seems almost every German is eager to practice a foreign language and a quick “Sprechen sie Englisch?” will ensure 15 minutes of unwavering attention with a smile on her face. It makes me wonder if the women here were given some sort of special instruction to be flirty and nice in the hopes that Germany will welcome the World Cup back soon.

Or maybe I’m just that boring.