Five Books and Few Surprises

Take a normal young lad who just plays football, give him a pen and an advance of £5 million, and the result is five volumes of books that I will never buy. Maybe I am alone in thinking that no one in their right mind has any desire to read about Wayne Rooney’s life, but apparently HarperCollins thinks otherwise. The publisher is gambling that “surprises” such as Rooney’s affection for prostitutes will lead you to fork over your hard earned money to read the 20-year-old’s words of wisdom about his favorite subject: himself.

When I was a 20-year-old I wanted to write a book too. I did things the conventional way. I took English classes and kept a daily diary. I wrote deep short stories about the meaning of life*. I read everything I could get my hands on. I naively sent my writing to publishers who took great pleasure in sending me back form rejection letters.

Little did I know that instead of spending all that time in front of a computer and all that money on education, I should have been kicking a ball and spending money on women.

That just isn’t something they teach you in journalism school.

*If anyone out there wants to buy my stories about the meaning of life, my asking fee is slighty less than £5 million.