FIFA Cancels Gala; No One Gives a Crap

January 13th, 2006 | by: WC Bob |

In a blow to David Hasselhoff’s chances of re-launching his marginally successful musical career, organizers have cancelled the World Cup finals opening gala. After spending four years planning the event and with soaring costs, FIFA finally came to the conclusion that nobody outside of the Hasselhoff family actually gives a crap about having an opening gala.

FIFA had allotted 25 million euros to stage the event but the actual costs turned out to be much greater than that and demand for tickets was even less than demand for tickets to see Saudi Arabia play Tunisia.

Says the always charming FIFA president Sepp Blatter, “Personally, I still think the idea of holding such a high-profile opening event is a good one. FIFA has not taken the decision to cancel the event at such a late stage lightly, but as world football’s governing body, we must put sporting considerations first.�?

But what about the entertainment considerations? The world will now be denied the opportunity to see American soprano Jessye Norman, U.S. band Black Eyed Peas, and Algerian singer Cheb Khaled.

Not to mention Hasselhoff, who wasn’t listed in the lineup, but surely would have stolen the show somehow.

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Laura

I’m sure The Hoff was positioning himself to rock this event, as he does with all things German. Bad day for him — it was announced today that he’s also getting a divorce.
Jimbo

Are you suggesting that the strain of not being able to perform at the World Cup might have contributed the end of his 16 year marriage cause if that is the case than someone at FIFA should be fired.
Laura

Jimbo, you are 100% correct. Yet another example of FIFA’s evil reign of terror. Let’s just hope Fergie from BEP doesn’t decompensate and start to dress insanely due to her profound disappointment.
http://www.coyotes.com Starry Wisdom

In related news, the International Federation of Competitive Eating is also investigating Hasselhoff. Is it possible that the Opening Gala was canceled because of the conflict with the official weighing?

Competitive Eaters Seek to Weigh Hasselhoff’s Head

The IFOCE Research Division, in response to dozens of requests from eaters and fans, has announced that it will seek to determine the exact weight of David Hasselhoff’s head.

The IFOCE hopes to secure the information prior to the January 21 Big Daddy Burger Contest, which features a nine-pound hamburger purported to be larger than Hasselhoff’s head.

Last year, at the Plaza Hotel & Casino burger-eating event in Las Vegas, many eaters claimed that the burger was significantly larger than the head of the acclaimed musician and Baywatch actor. Others cited Hasselhoff’s size (6’4�?) and said it was likely that his head weighed more than 11 pounds.

“Unless we are certain of its weight, it is irresponsible to use Mr. Hasselhoff’s head as a standard by which to measure this burger,�? said IFOCE President Richard Shea.

Shea has written a letter to Hasselhoff requesting voluntary participation in a (non-surgical) weighing procedure. The weighing process will either employ volumetrics (submersion in water) or require Hasselhoff to lie on a table with his head extended over the edge onto a scale.

“The weighing process will be painless and non-invasive and should take no more than 15 minutes, excluding travel time to and from the agreed-upon weighing facility,�? Shea said.

The resolution to the so-called “Burger Head” dispute appears to rest on whether Hasselhoff’s head is significantly larger than average. According to the Department of Anatomy & Histology, University of Sydney, an adult human cadaver head cut off at vertebra C3, with no hair, weighs between 4.5 and 5 kg.

“It would seem likely that the head of an individual 6’4�? in height would weigh considerably more than the average head, but we cannot assert this without confirmation,�? Shea said.
rinaldo

saudi arabia vs tunisia…that’s like the most talked about game of the WC…even beating argentina vs holland. Definitely not going to miss it…