Abstinencewatch™: England will lose because of their WAGS

If England loses today, at least one person will blame it on the WAGS – the players’ wives and girlfriends. Former Ecuador legend Alex “Tri-Color” Aguinaga believes that Ecuador’s strict abstinence-only World Cup policies will give his country the edge over an England team that has been free to canoodle with their significant others.

“The English way is not a good way,” he said. “Having wives and girlfriends around is a distraction which we do not have. The English wives and girlfriends are very famous, I think. They are causing a stir. A circus, I think.

“We have left our wives and girlfriends at home and are more focused. There has been no contact with them since two weeks before the World Cup started. This is our way and this is how we will win.

“I say let the English players spend every night with their girls. This is not the way to perform well. England will lose and it will be their fault.”

While Aguniaga obviously represents the pro-abstinence point of view, a source in the England camp says his team will win because of the WAGS.

“They can say what they want. They’re just jealous they haven’t got their wives and girlfriends out here.

“A sex ban? What’s that all about? Our boys have had us close by and it’s made a massive difference. Morale’s sky high and that’s down to wives and girlfriends.

“Our boys are happy, relaxed and ready to win. They know that if they do, they will be spending the night with their girls. How much of an incentive is that?”

Here at Abstinencewatch™ headquarters we will wait with baited breath to see which side comes out on top. This game is essentially a controlled experiment for us.

Thus far, there have been mixed results with free-to-fraternize teams like Brazil, Germany and England still alive in the competition, as well as the all-work-and-no-play teams like Ukraine and Ecuador.

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