Hooliganwatch™: Attack Raises Concerns, Poles Crack Down

A recent attack on an Ethiopian-born man in Potsdam has everyone on edge as the World Cup approaches. The brutal attack left the man in a coma and was believed to have been racially motivated. With increasing fears that Neo-Nazis are going to wreak havoc this summer, German officials were quick to condemn the attack and called for swift justice. Meanwhile, Poland officials are vowing to crack down on their country’s hooligans. Interior Minister Ludwik Dorn has asked that current laws be amended so that hooligans are banned from stadiums like they are in many countries in Europe. Poland’s hooligans are expected to make their presence felt during the World Cup.

As these stories indicate, hooliganism shouldn’t be taken lightly. But that isn’t going to prevent us from offering this suggestion from our buddy Bense in Dortmund.

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At first, we need to found a Federation International de Hooligan Association, short FIHA. It’s gonna be a subsidiary of the FIFA.

The hooligan matchups need to planned a little in a advance, just because the sponsors need to know how awesome the matches are going to be. Okay, let’s do it like that: Close the VIP stadium parking, and on the free space, build a cage. Let’s say 20×30 Meters and 5 meter high. The match-up will be decided by 5 single games, so all the fans who seek violence can join in. Overall, it’s a good method to keep 110 men busy for an hour. We decriminalize it and everybody who wants to get his ass kicked will be served.

Game time is 5 minutes or whatever teams manages to get all of their own hools on the opponents base line. We play it regular, 11 against 11. The refs will be some specialy trained policemen in Judge Dredd uniforms. By the tickets sold and the adverts placed, the tax payer doesn’t need to waste any money on the policemen and regular police will be barely needed anymore for the real game next to the cage. The refs take care that if someone is down, he rather stays down or is not being kicked. They take care about the proper usage of weapons (no knives, no baseball bats, NO CHAINSAWS!) like ladders, chairs and trash cans (the ones you know from wrestling). There will be vdeo replay of harsh fouls and tough decisions, fouls will cost gained meters. The winners will be rewarded with the golden crown of thorns after each game, and the loosers must patrol around the stadium, hand in hand, with pink ballet skirts.

And the best: The fans who have gotten no ticket for the stadium can enjoy this cage matches. Seating capacity would be around 2000-5000 seats if you’d ask me. And remember, the first step of really addressing this problem is professionalizing it and making it fit into a capitalistic scheme. Why letting them beating the living s**t out each other for free when you can make money with it?!?!?! If my advice will is probable, we might have “professional hooligan athletes” within the next 10 years, now that’s something you can write on your business card. But make sure not to quit your day job by now, I don’t know if the FIFA board will approve my considerations