Abstinencewatch™: “I will always remember the ache down below”

It is four years too late, but we’ve finally figured out why Ronaldo sported that abysmal haircut during the 2002 World Cup. He was trying to make himself so unattractive that there would be no temptation from the opposite sex for him to break coach Luiz Felipe Scolari’s draconian abstinence policies. In a recent interview, the Brazil forward talked about Big Phil’s 40-day no sex policy. What we learn is that there hasn’t been as much suffering over a 40-day period by one person since that dude named Jesus was on the mountain 2,000 years ago. Said Ronaldo: “The World Cup in 2002 was a wonderful memory but I will always remember the ache down below just as much as lifting the trophy.”

Players in Costa Rica are squirming right now, while future England national team players are frantically calling the FA asking them to reconsider their coaching decision.

The question we have to ask: does the magic spray that works so well to heal injuries also work to heal the ache down below?